Pride 2020: Ashley + Jessie’s Full Interview

Ashley and Jessie

Jessie (35): I grew up in San Francisco Bay Area, attended University of San Francisco, graduated with a Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing, and commissioned into the Army as an Army Nurse. I’ve worked as a Critical Care Nurse in Army hospitals from Washington, DC, San Antonio, TX, and in Germany. I’ve also deployed to Iraq and Kosovo. When I’m not working, I like to travel, taste all the foods, snowboard, and run.

I always knew that I was bisexual, but I didn’t feel comfortable dating women until I was 21. I think a common misconception about my story is that it was easy to come out because I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area. I knew there was a large LGBTQ population and representation in San Francisco but I still felt like it was so far away. I felt like I didn’t have access to it. I grew up in a very religious household and a minority community where sexuality wasn’t talked about at all and especially not anything alternative to heterosexuality. Then to add to it, I joined the military during ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ which caused me to further repress any acknowledgment of my bisexuality.

Ashley (33): I grew up in New Jersey, got my Masters in Occupational Therapy from Alvernia University in Pennsylvania and then I joined the Army after graduation. I received my Doctorate in Occupational Therapy from Baylor University and moved to Germany to work in a U.S. hospital overseas. I have deployed to Afghanistan and have worked in orthopedics, behavioral health, and burn rehabilitation during my time in the military thus far. I am one of three girls (middle) and consider my sisters two of my best friends. When I’m not working, I can be found being a couch potato watching movies at home or hanging out and hiking with my dog.

I came out as gay when I was 14—to family, friends, teachers, and anyone else I could find. I was fortunate to live in an area where it was acceptable to hold your girlfriend’s hand in public or at school in the early 2000’s. I count myself lucky that when I told my mother and family that I was gay, no one even batted an eye. To this day, I can’t recall experiencing prejudice or nonacceptance due to me being gay. It’s just always been a part of me that I stopped formally coming out to people when I was in college because I assumed everyone knew and could tell. I, unfortunately, had to start telling people again as an adult after multiple ‘accidental dates’ with men whom I thought to be just friends. 

Ashley: We are a dual-military couple currently stationed 800 miles away from each other. In the last five years, we have spent over three years anywhere from a two-hour drive or an eight-hour international flight away from each other. It is not ideal, yet we are very good at the necessary upkeep that comes with long distance dating and marriage. We will be moving back to Germany together in the next two months and should be together for (at least) the next three years!

Jessie is very organized, detail-oriented and extremely thoughtful. She is always willing to talk to strangers for me, haggle on the price of a car, handle our investment accounts, and calm me down when I get scared on flights. She meets me at my love languages and goes out of her way to make sure I feel loved on a daily basis. If you ask her, she’s the boss. And if you ask me, I’d definitely agree! She is my perfect complement. We do, however, have to play rock/paper/scissors when it comes to who kills the bugs though! We love to travel together all over the world and look forward to continuing our traveling adventures in Germany!

Jessie: Ashley is very emotionally supportive and is the best listener and empathizer. She always knows how to make me feel better and calm me down when I’m stressing over something. Ash is really witty and funny. She keeps me laughing constantly. Sometimes I try to be funny but it's just not on the same level as her—she's too good. She's got such a warm personality, everyone likes her instantaneously upon meeting her (duh), and she's the best person to have on your trivia team. She is single-handedly taking care of our 1.5-year-old Goldendoodle named Linc while I’ve been in training for the past year. Our professions are similar, so it’s easy for us to understand and connect with each other when we discuss work situations. Ash is such a great leader, mentor, and clinician that I draw a lot of my inspiration and leadership style from her.

Ashley: I’m going to take this question since my story of us starts six months before Jessie’s. In 2014, I deployed to Afghanistan from Germany. While I was there, my friend started texting me about this woman she met who was in the same military unit as her husband. She wanted to find a way to set us up as soon as I got back to Germany because she knew that Jessie was my type, but she didn’t know for sure if Jessie was into women.

When I got back to Germany two months later, my friend started inviting me to events in which she knew Jessie would be there. So, as creepy as it sounds, I saw Jessie at least three months before she saw me. It wasn’t until a few months later when my friend was able to coordinate me coming to speak to a bunch of Soldiers at an event that was led by, you guessed it, Jessie! Jessie and I officially met at that event, and when she had to introduce me to the crowd she messed up my name!

I would find out months later that the mistake was due to her being flustered upon meeting me. After this event, we saw each other a couple more times at gatherings and it was Jessie that made the first move to message me on Facebook which led to us hanging out on a daily basis up until she had to move back to Texas less than two months later. Although the short time dating, we both decided that we needed to do whatever we needed to do to make it work. I was transferred to Texas six months later so I could be close to her and we were engaged and married within two years. When you know, you know! 

Jessie: Our first look was the most memorable moment for me. Ash looked stunning, just absolutely perfect, and everything just felt so right. We had a small wedding with about 50 people, but they were all of the most important people in my life – something I never would have imagined my conservative family supporting. Friends coming from all over the country to support us and show us their love was so incredibly special too.

Ashley: My favorite moment was seeing my bride for the first time. Nothing else mattered when I saw her in her dress. It happened to be one of the RARE rainy days in San Diego during May and our outdoor ceremony was moved to an indoor location, but nothing mattered when I looked at her. We were both raised primarily by our mothers, so we decided to both have them walk us down the aisle. It was important to have my mom be the one that gave me away after all she did for me to help me get to my soulmate. 

Jessie and Ashley: To us, pride means feeling accepted and proud of who we are and how we identify. It means feeling part of a community of people who have experienced struggles to be where they are and who they are and who have triumphed through it all. Pride is about family and showing that families come in many different flavors. It provides the safe space to be your true, authentic self and the platform to advocate for equality.

Jessie: I feel like Grey’s Anatomy has done an amazing job representing queer culture amongst its characters. And I appreciate how they show development of identity and how it can evolve over time and that it’s not as stagnate as we once assumed. I also appreciate Killing Eve as demonstrating sexuality as not all sex unlike many other shows. 

Ashley: I enjoy a good character and relationship arc versus sexualizing queer people and relationships in media. I enjoy when LGBTQ actors/actresses play LGBTQ characters.

Lately, I found myself relating heavily to the new Netflix show Feel Good with Mae Martin. I’ve been following her comedy since I saw her perform at the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland in 2015. I enjoy the semi-autobiographical nature of the storyline and bringing in real world issues like substance abuse and family discord (not related to sexuality). Also, I have been a fan Savage Lovecast and RISK! podcasts and how they discuss and work to answer important queer questions that may not be readily available through a quick Google search and share queer stories, respectively. 

Jessie and Ashley: Bisexual identity and the ability to retain that identity after settling down with someone either the same or opposite sex. I have friends who struggle to remain supported in their relationship if they fell in love and married someone of the opposite sex regardless of their bisexual identity. The same goes for the other way like with Jessie; many assume that she is gay because she married another woman and often reject her bisexuality because of this. Although she does not struggle with support from the LGBTQ community as within the first example, she still is often misrepresented due to assumption. 

Jessie: Yes. Being able to see people who are like me and support me. It feels good to be a part of this festival of love. 

Ashley: Yes. I’ve been going to Pride festivals and parades for over 15 years from New Jersey when I was a senior in high school to Washington, DC, Austin, TX and even Amsterdam. I appreciate seeing the vast age groups of people in attendance. When I was in high school, I loved seeing same-sex parents and their children as it showed me that having a happy family was possible even though I’m gay. Going as an adult, I love seeing younger queer teenagers who feel like they can come express themselves freely and see the support our community has now. Another thing that attracts me is what attracts many—seeing our beautiful gay men decked out!

Ashley: My favorite thing is how it does not exclude others. I will admit that I may not know the new, inclusive acronym but I support all of the groups we have added to our fight. This community stands up and fights for the oppressed. They understand that it takes work to fight for our seat in this world and although I feel like my seat as a gay woman is available to me at this time, my trans brothers and sisters are still fighting. The LGBTQ community does not stop fighting.

Ashley and Jessie: We look for people who accept versus tolerate the LGBTQ community in its entirety. Someone who defends us from others’ discrimination or criticism to include legal persecution. Someone who is open to having candid conversations about LGBTQ issues and is open to learning more as this community is forever evolving in order to support all identities, gender and sexual orientation.